


Simon vs Himself

by stephewitt



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Coming of Age, Fluff, Love, M/M, MartinFreeZone, Simon is a disaster gay, boy crush, no martin, romantic, spierfeld
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 06:44:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14538936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephewitt/pseuds/stephewitt
Summary: AU in which Simon immediately blurts out who he is.





	1. Chapter 1

Simon sat at his desk, staring at the computer screen. He’s out, out to one person. Blue had come out in a post on Creek Wood’s tumblr. Not thinking about the consequences, Simon, immediately introduced himself to Blue. He had spent so much time being careful to protect his huge secret, he had felt completely at ease in his response- until the second after he hit send. It all came rushing in at once, Blue couldn’t possibly be his real name, and that was intentional. He finally breaks his gaze from the ‘message sent’ screen when he realized his dad had been calling him down for breakfast, he simultaneously doesn’t want to be late for school and doesn’t want to go at all. 

The day drug on slower than any other in recent memory, Simon was relying on the monotony of high school to pull him from class to class. He sat silently at the lunch table, staring more at his food than eating it. He had let his mind come to the worst conclusions. Having given out his identity, blue, whoever he is, wouldn’t be attracted to Simon. Also, Blue wouldn’t want to communicate with him further due to that loss of anonymity. Simon had once, excitedly, commented on a complete stranger’s Elliott Smith tee shirt at the mall. The woman nervously uttered a “thank you” that sounded more like a question than anything. But, this wasn’t a shirt on public display, this was sexuality, outside of the heterosexual kind- in the south. 

Simon had prayed for even the faintest of wireless signals throughout the whole day at school, and play practice afterward. He reminded himself that the one detail he has about Blue, is that he goes to the same school, has the same miserable and basically nonexistent cell service. To say that Simon was happy to be home and on reliable WiFi would be an understatement. He decided to get things in order before settling down in front of his computer. He knew that he might be too embarrassed, or even sad, to leave his room after he finally gets a response, IF he even gets one. 

After he walks Bieber, feeds himself a snack (which might as well have been a meal itself after skimping on lunch), and takes out all of his homework- he’s ready. Well, not ready, but has ran out of ways to procrastinate. He’s surprised and a little relieved to see a response from Blue with the subject, “well, that escalated quickly.” He had convinced himself that ‘radio silence’ could be one of the possible outcomes. He reads the short, but well written email several times before thinking about his own response. Blue had written that, without going into detail, he knows Simon. Blue also added that he wanted to remain a Pantone for now, but would love to continue writing emails and just, “see how it goes.” 

Simon, first and foremost, had to decide if he would be ok exposing himself to, what might as well have been, a complete stranger. He decided that, yes, he needed this. He needed someone to talk to. Someone who would understand. Someone who seemed to be a lot like himself on the surface. Simon responded by talking about himself. Explaining that he doesn’t think his friends or family would think any differently of him, coming out is just a ‘whole thing’ and even thinking about the emotional effort was exhausting. He didn’t ask any questions, he wanted to give Blue this safe space. He decided he wouldn’t try to guess who he was, he would just make a new online friend- and try to forget that Blue knows who he is. Simon had to actively stop himself every time his thoughts drifted in that direction, “ugh, we probably have classes together.”


	2. Chapter 2

The first week or two following meeting Blue were hard for Simon. He thought he would be battling the urge to see Blue in all of his acquaintances, but he was struggling with himself. Blue had made sure not to give any indication as to how he knew Simon and that made him incredibly self conscious. The more he emailed Blue, the more he opened up, and Simon was embarrassed to admit, even to himself, the more he fell for the guy in the emails. He could no longer smell his way through the pile of laundry for the cleanest shirt. He didn’t know if Blue was an academic or athlete, not for sure at least. Blue’s emails would come before school or in the evening, Simon suspected some sort of after school extracurricular activity. Also, his emails were always so well written, so well thought out. Simon found himself falling for sentence structure and emails worthy of the title of prose. Even if Blue wasn’t a great student, Simon had no question that he was brilliant. 

Simon had not shared anything about his situation with his closest friends: Leah, Abby, and Nick. It didn’t take long for Leah to catch on that something was different. One evening, getting closer to a month after meeting blue, she confronted him on one of their evening walks with Bieber. “Are you doing ok? You’ve seemed pretty far away these last few weeks?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just been busy with school- too many AP classes this year.” He was turning over his options in his head about how to proceed. This was the only thing he hadn’t been able to share with her. Part of him even felt guilty about his secret, especially with Leah. He also knew that he didn’t have to worry about any girls at school being Blue, unless he’s being catfished *oh god, stop, don’t go there again* he silently tells himself before anxiety kicks in. 

“You know I love you, right? If there is something else going on, I’ll listen. No pressure,” a huge and sincere smile spreads across her face as she says the last part, meaning lots of pressure. She wants to know what’s up. But not in a nosy way, a very concerned and almost motherly way. 

“I know. And I love you, too.” Once the words came out, he had to remind himself that Leah may be his best friend, but she had gotten a little tipsy and told Nick that she had been in love with Simon since, well forever. Nick told Simon because Nick assumed that he felt the same- “I mean, you guys are always together,” he could remember Nick nearly shouting. Of all the ways to reject someone, this was literally out of his control. He wouldn’t even have to tell her that he knows her secret. 

Simon takes a deep breath, a shaky, obvious breath. They had just returned to his house, Bieber was inside- probably already asleep. They sat on the front steps in, what would have been a perfectly normal, silence, any other time, while Simon digs deep for the confidence to say out loud, something that had only been said in emails or practice monologues in his head. 

“See, the thing is...” He was really struggling. Leah didn’t speak, only looked at him thoughtfully. “I think I’m gay. No, I know I am. I’m gay.” He felt like he could see more clearly, the fog of his secret was lifting. He took another deep breath, this time he wasn’t shaking. 

“Oh! Ok. That’s awesome, I was afraid you were gonna tell me something awful, like someone was sick or something! Thank you for telling me, I mean it when I say I love you, Si.” He thought he saw a twinge of sadness in her eyes, but he didn’t know if he would have noticed that not knowing her secret. 

“Please, don’t tell anyone. There’s more I want to tell you, too. But, not tonight. I can only manage this type of courage in small, calculated, spurts.” She assured him that she wouldn’t say anything and he had no reason not to trust her. Even though he had just told his closest and best friend his huge secret, all he could think about was the other secret. And he couldn’t wait to tell him about this evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism welcome and encouraged


	3. Chapter 3

The halls at school were plastered with posters. “Homecoming must be coming up,” Simon pondered to himself. It was in fact, next week. 

In general, Simon had slowly started being himself again. This was good, because he couldn’t handle another concerned friend, not yet at least. He had felt tons better after telling Leah, but had guilt that Abby and Nick were still in the dark. Blue had told him that this is definitely a situation where being a little selfish is ok- even encouraged. He tried to keep that advice in the front of his mind when he was with his friends. It’s his story, and he gets to decide how it’s told. 

He and blue had been steadily emailing more, at this point at least once a day. They both became more brave when it came to expressing their feelings for each other. Simon had joked about taking blue to homecoming, he only joked because he was always a little afraid of scaring him off. He was shocked when blue apologized that they couldn’t go together, because he would love to be his date. In that same email, blue also revealed something huge, he told Simon that he has had a crush on him for a long time. Since before the emails. Simon immediately responded because he was beyond excited that his computer crush could be more. He didn’t hit send as quickly, though. He reread and edited the email so many times that the finished product barely resembled the original. Because, besides his excitement, he realized he was getting frustrated. When he finally did finish his response, he only said how great it felt to know someone at school liked him, and that he loved that he was blue’s first crush. 

Simon stepped away from the computer. He fell back on his bed, which was his position that signified he was about to do some serious contemplating. His original email had been erratic and excited, but also pushy. He knew that. He knew he was wise to reconsider and tone it down. He was falling for blue in a real way, falling for his heart and mind. It wasn’t like his superficial soccer boy crush. Blue was more than just great calves. He was someone that Simon could be himself with. The biggest part that Simon deleted from the original email was his confusion as to why blue couldn’t come out to just him. He had dropped this bomb on Simon, and Simon had been fine with not knowing who he was until that exact moment. Simon had dated before, girls though. He had even kissed a girl, but he wanted to kiss blue. He was so confused and almost overwhelmed to know that someone at his school liked him, someone who was actually his type, a boy. 

The week of homecoming was busy for everyone. So, when it was finally Friday, Simon started regretting that he had agreed to go to the game that night. Watching sporting events wasn’t his thing, and it never had been. One of his best friends was dating a cheerleader, and that cheerleader had become really close to Simon, as well. He didn’t want to go, but he wanted to be there for Abby. He sat on the sofa til the absolute last minute before his mother shooed him out of the house. When he arrived, the game was about to start. Everyone was there, blue was probably there, too. He should have left a lot earlier, almost all the seats were taken. Nick called and waved him over to where he was sitting. Simon was still annoyed with Blue and needed some muscular legs to distract him, sitting with nick and the soccer team was perfect for tonight. After the game was finally over and Simon was sure half his face was frozen, he and his friends made their way back to their cars. There was a big party that night and everyone was gearing up for that. Simon had drawn the line. He didn’t want to go and he especially didn’t want to take care of his friends all night, since he would be the only sober person there. Everyone loaded into their cars except Nick and one of his teammates, Bram. They were standing between the cars talking. Simon could tell that Nick was begging Bram to come out and celebrate the win. Nick had also driven Bram, and was making it clear that it was out of the way to take him home before the party. Simon rolled his window down, exhausted from the entire week, in and out of school, and offered to give Bram a ride. 

After several minutes of convincing Bram that it was seriously no trouble, he was buckled up in the car. Bram barely spoke, except to tell Simon when and which way to turn. “Do I go straight here?” Simon asked. 

“Forward, never straight,” replied Bram. Simon chuckled to himself and decided he was gonna definitely start using that statement. There was a brief few seconds that Simon wondered if blue could be Bram or even a guy like him. But, for some reason, his brain didn’t agree. The silent drive home was nice, though. The game had been so loud and chaotic, even for those in the stands, it was nice to sit and relax. He and Bram knew each other from school, mutual friends, and a couple classes together, but not much beyond that. Simon usually skipped parties, and it appeared that Bram did, too. It was comfortable in the car, neither felt any need to fill the silence with nervous chat, even though they weren’t very close. When Simon pulled up to Bram’s house, he turned to his driver and looked him straight in the eyes and said, “hey, Simon, thanks so much for the lift. You seem tired, so I wanted you to know I really appreciate it!”


	4. Chapter 4

Simon fell back onto his bed. He had to force the idea that Bram could be Blue. He wasn’t sure why it was so hard to believe, but it was impossible. Bram was his soccer crush. He was the guy from his AP classes. Simon started realizing that Blue could be both athletic and academic. Bram certainly was. 

*Forward, never straight* Simon thought. What a strange thing for a straight dude to say. He didn’t know for sure that Bram was straight, sometimes it just felt like he was the only gay guy at his school. Simon also had to entertain the thought that Bram’s statement had nothing to do with sexuality, maybe Simon was reading into it too far. 

Simon finally wrote back to Blue. It had been days, and for them that was an eternity. He didn’t probe or ask questions, he simply replied to all that blue had written. He almost hit send, but stopped himself. He added a postscript. 

*ps, I haven’t been totally honest, but I’m terrified to push too hard and in turn, push you away. I wanted you to know, I’m ready when you are.* 

Simon promptly went downstairs where his family was setting the table for dinner. He lost quite a bit of confidence between the top of the stairs and the dining room table, but he knew that he had to do this. He was ready to do this. He wanted blue to come out to him, only him for now. Simon would lead by example and come out to his family and best friends, and at some point, everyone. Maybe not all at once, but this was his new mission. After the food was out and everyone was seated, the obligatory “how was your day” questions started. Simon was silently rehearsing what he would say in his head. He finally looked up and decided it was time. “I’M GAY!” He didn’t mean to shout it, he didn’t mean to interrupt his sister’s story. He just knew it was now or never. He had also planned on saying a lot more, but that’s all that came out of his mouth. His family all looked at him. Finally, his sister broke the silence by letting out a rumble of a laugh, followed by, “OK!!” The rest of the family, including Simon, all started laughing. All Simon could feel in his dining room was love, pure and unconditional love. Other than a caring and teary eyed smile from his mom, his dad gripped his shoulder and told Simon, “I love you, son.” He knew that his therapist mom and curious dad would want to talk more, but they understood that this is what Simon needed in this moment. 

Simon fell asleep faster and easier that night than, well, he couldn’t even remember when. The weight of it all was replaced by love, acceptance, and understanding. The next morning, he contemplated telling Blue about his evening. He wanted so badly to share his news with Blue, his Blue, his maybe Bram. But, he decided against it. He didn’t even pull his email account up, because hey, he still had work to do. It was his turn to drive to school, which meant he needed to leave a little earlier, no time for emails. He preferred reading Blue’s emails without time constraints. After he gathered his friends and they picked up some coffee, they were sitting in Simon’s car in the parking lot at school. 

The commute had gone by way too fast. He imagined telling them and letting it sink in on their way. He half contemplated waiting til lunch or even after play practice. Hundreds of thoughts were speeding through his brain, should he tell them separately, like he had with Leah? He took a deep breath and looked at Leah. She knew what his eyes were saying, she gave a faint smile and nod to let him know she understood. He turned around as far as he could to face Abby and Nick in the back seat. With a much lower voice, and a lot more control than the night before he says, “so, I’ve been wanting to tell you, um, I’m gay.” He was afraid it sounded more like a question, but was thrilled at how much easier it got with each person he told. He looked back at them, half concerned, the other half relieved. 

They both smiled and Abby finally says, “really!? Cool!” Nick then leans forward and attempts to give Simon a hug, they end up hugging the back of Simon’s seat, too. Before it can get too awkward in the car, Simon starts giggling and says, 

“And just so you know, you’re not my type.” They all know that he’s talking to nick and join in on the laughter. Simon isn’t sure, but he definitely feels like he’s holding his head a lot higher today than yesterday. From the time he dropped Bram off on Friday til today, Tuesday morning, he feels completely changed. He knows that he’s still Simon, but somehow he feels like he’s even more of himself now.


	5. Chapter 5

Simon started feeling like he had been putting himself back together. Before he met Blue, he had already known he was gay. At that point, he was mostly himself, but carrying around his huge secret. After Blue came into his life he felt as if he was living two separate lives. One in real life and the other online. He felt more like himself when he emailed blue, but knew he wasn’t complete. After coming out to his parents and closest friends, that divide started closing. It had been exhausting hiding half of himself and the sun reaching every part of his skin felt warm and welcoming. He wanted to be able to just live, not announce himself to everyone. He felt like a pretty normal teen, who just happened to be gay, but he was the one that had to state it out loud to people. This bothered him, but not nearly as much as keeping it all hidden. 

A couple of days after he settled down from his talks with his family and friends, he finally decided to email Blue. He pulled up his email account to several new messages from Blue. He had been so committed to coming out and leading Blue by example, he neglected his emails. Blue’s emails start calm and cool, updated version of the conversations Simon was accustomed to. But, by the last email, Blue was tense. Even though it hadn’t even been a week, he definitely noticed that Simon wasn’t responding as quickly anymore. Blue didn’t understand what it if he had done anything to upset Simon. The last email was almost angry, pleading for a response. 

Simon started drafting an email to blue with the subject, “out and about.” He started at the beginning, first explaining how the dinner went. After telling him about the following morning with his friends, Simon couldn’t help but gush about how great it all felt. He wasn’t trying to pressure Blue or make him feel guilty, he just really wanted him to know it was scary and relieving all at once. Simon contemplated letting Blue know that he may have figured out his true identity, but decided to wait. He had been able to come out on his own, and would have to trust that his courage was contagious. He wrapped up the email, signing it ,”Love, Simon.” 

Ps, yes, you read that right. I’ve completely fallen for you.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t super happy with Chapter 5, but 6 is so far my favorite! Enjoy!

Simon was so excited to feel the fall buzz in the air, Halloween was coming up. He and Blue were still emailing, though Simon was sad to realize that Blue wasn’t any closer to coming out. Blue’s emails were more vague than ever. He held on to the fact that Blue was still writing. He felt a small amount of guilt, had he pushed too hard? Had he been to righteous or proud with his coming out? No. He reminded himself that it was Blue who assured him that he was allowed to be selfish. This also helped as a reminder that Blue was, also, allowed to be selfish and set the tone to his own story. 

Their lunch table was busy with Halloween preparations, deciding on the best costumes. Mostly, threatening Nick, he had to at least try this year. After a bit of resistance and playful annoyance, he agreed to wear whatever Abby picked for him. Abby was thrilled at the idea of coordinating a couples themed costume for him. Leah turned to Simon, breaking him away from Abby and Nick’s costume planning. “Any ideas? We’re running out of time!” Simon and Leah had almost always wore complimentary costumes, the more obscure pop culture reference, the better. 

“No, not really. I haven’t felt especially creative this year. I’m always totally cool with what you pick, you know that.” 

Simon realized that Nick had been summoned to another table, the soccer team’s lunch table. He looked at Bram, but he was completely engrossed in Nicks conversation. Simon had more or less convinced himself he had been wrong to think Blue and Bram were the same person. It was a nice relief to go back to the baser habit of staring at his calves. He didn’t know Bram that well, they were friendly in a “we have a mutual friend” type way, but nothing seemed to have changed in him over the last couple months. Simon didn’t even know what sort of change he was looking for. Simon realized he had zoned out, lost in his own thoughts, staring at Bram. When he came to, Bram was staring right back. Simon quickly sat up, looked around and back at Bram, who was still holding his gaze. Simon forced out an embarrassed smile and shrugged, before turning back to Leah. He could feel his face burning, he didn’t even want to think about what shade of red his cheeks were. 

The day of Halloween, Simon drops everyone off and heads home. All after school activities were canceled, and that was fine with everyone. He was sick of running lines and forgetting where to stand and in turn getting yelled at by someone new everyday. Leah would be heading over soon, she had all the things needed for their costumes at her house. Simon had no idea what was in store, Leah had completely taken over when the best idea Simon could come up with was ‘peanut butter and jelly.’ Simon looked up when he heard the doorbell. He could hear Leah and his family laughing. “Is there something you need to tell us, Si?” His dad hollered from the living room. 

Leah laid out a Creek Wood track uniform on the bed, including matching striped tube socks and sweatbands. She was wearing jeans and a tee shirt, with a pleated skirt over her jeans. She also had stuffed her shirt to look very pregnant. They were going as Juno and Paulie Bleeker. “Not my best work, but you weren’t any help either,” he could hear Leah saying in his room. He had gone to change and was not 100% on board with this. “What!? No. Put the track shorts on. You can’t be Paulie in jeans. No one will see the socks!” 

“It’s too cold for shorts. Plus...I feel.. too... exposed in those little shorts.” 

“Nice try, we will be in Nicks basement. Plus, it’s only going to be a small group of us. Besides, you agreed and I did all the work. I even said you could walk home early if you got bored with all the drinking!” Simon muttered something to himself and went to fully change into Paulie Bleeker. Part of him wanted the encouragement, he liked feeling validated by Leah. And she was right, he had to completely get into character, too, if Leah was going to walk around 8 months pregnant all night. 

They walked over to Nicks, hand in hand the whole way. They had always held hands, one of the many things he felt guilty about, Leah getting the wrong idea. Now it was more comfortable and normal than ever, he liked being close to her. She was safe. When they walked in, he realized she was right, it was a pretty small group of friends. His best friends, a few of Nick’s teammates, and a few kids from the theater club. Blue had been vague as usual in his recent email, he wasn’t sure if he would go out. Simon didn’t even bother to ask Blue if he was dressing up. The emails were missing the playful banter and flirting, but they were still genuine. Simon decided to try and NOT think about Blue tonight. He also decided to try alcohol, knowing full well how badly it could turn out. He hated parties, he didn’t drink, but here he was. He was going to make the best of his situation. Since coming out, his friends had been more forceful with getting Simon out of the house. Leah knew a little about Blue, Simon had played his feelings down quite a bit when he told her, he didn’t want to give too much away to her. He already felt like Blue wasn’t ever coming out. *I’m just a journal for him to dump all his crap into* we’re not thinking about him tonight- he reminds himself, shaking the thoughts from his head. 

It took some coaxing and convincing before Nick finally handed a beer over to Simon. Abby was all about it, excited that Simon was even at a party at all. However, Nick and Leah were worried what direction this night could go. Simon sipped the beer very slowly at first, it was bitter and he was reconsidering his choice. Abby had offered to mix him up something fruity. The more he drank, the easier it became. It wasn’t until he felt his ears getting warm that he went to reach into his pocket for his phone. The track shorts didn’t have pockets. Crap. He didn’t have his phone. He wondered if anyone would notice if he left to get it. No, that’s a bad idea. He knew himself and he knew he just wouldn’t come back. It’s not that he wasn’t having fun, he just often preferred solitude. 

“Hey, Paulie, wanna play?” Nick was asking from across the room. Nick was standing beside the ping pong table that had filled so many hours of their childhood. Except, now the net was removed and triangles of red solo cups were lined up on either end. 

“So much for not wanting me to drink!” Simon joked as he walked over. How hard could it be, toss the ping pong ball into the other teams cup. Easy. Except, it wasn’t. It was really hard. The other team had gone first and he and Nick had already slammed several cups by the time it was their turn. Simon was increasing having to focus, otherwise the amount of cups would double and he didn’t know which to toss at. By the end of the game he was drinking beer as if had forgotten than an hour earlier he could barely choke it down. He was talking to people, mingling with different groups of people. Leah finally caught up with him and demanded a picture of them together. That’s when Simon was reminded that he didn’t have his phone. She handed her phone to Abby and they posed for the picture, trying to recreate the cover of the dvd. 

Simon plopped down on the sofa and thought about how much fun the evening was. He was pretty drunk, and wasn’t totally sure how his parents would feel about this. Hoping they would be in bed by the time he got home. 

Suddenly, Simon was distracted from his thoughts when he felt the weight on the sofa shift. He looked over and saw Bram was sitting next to him. Had he been at Nick’s the whole time? He didn’t think so, but definitely didn’t notice him come in, he had been fully immersed in beer pong. Simon let out a chuckle, louder than he intended. Bram was wearing a Superman tee with a piece of red fabric safety pinned on as a cape. “Looks like you’ve taken Nick’s spot with costumes!” 

Bram looked down, a little embarrassed. “I didn’t decide to come out until the last minute, better than nothing, right?” Simon could tell Bram was nervous. He wasn’t a big talker and had instigated this exchange. 

“Did you know that I’m gay?” Simon abruptly blurts out. “I just wanted you to know in case you catch me staring at your calves!” Simon is super happy with himself. He has been able to tell best friends, family, and now a guy that’s sort of a friend, their circles overlap. His mission had slowed down, but he was still making progress. 

“Yeah, I think I did know that.” When Bram responded it came out very matter of fact. Simon’s carefree, somewhat buzzed demeanor suddenly shifted. He felt a knot in his stomach, he had been having so much fun that night, now he was frozen. It hit him, he’s friends with Nick and MAYBE, for some reason, that came up. 

“Oh, cool...” Simon got up, said goodbye to Leah without even stopping and headed home. He wasn’t upset that more people were finding out. He was upset because he started thinking that Blue might be Bram again. He had a face to put with it and he was mad at them both.


	7. Chapter 7

Simon took a deep breath and took in the fall air. It’s officially his birthday month. He doesn’t care what happened last night, he’s pretty sure he remembers all the important details. If anyone asks, he felt sick and that’s why he left abruptly. He’s going to be 18 in a matter of weeks, and that’s all he wants to think about. His phone buzzes and he expects it to be Leah. She had given him time to sleep in, but now it’s time for him to explain himself. But he was wrong. It wasn’t Leah. It was a number he didn’t recognize. He hits ignore, he isn’t in the mood to tell someone that they have the wrong number or that he’s not buying whatever they’re selling. A minute later, he feels his phone buzz again. Voicemail. He decided to ignore that, too. 

Later he’s in the kitchen making himself some lunch when his mom walks in. She waits til he’s settled on the barstool to eat before starting. He knows that she will talk for a while and he can listen while he eats. “Simon, we haven’t had time to really talk about your announcement a couple weeks ago. Dad and Nora will be out for the afternoon, so it’s just you and me. I just wanted you to know that I love you. You might not realize this, but I’ve noticed the changes you’ve been going through. I could tell that you were happier and lighter after our dinner, and more so every day since. You seem like you’re still weighed down in some way. It’s like you’re so close to freeing yourself. What’s the last piece to all of this?” She looked at Simon. It was a lot like how Leah looked at him when she was worried. His mom was patient. It was quiet in the kitchen, he had stopped eating at this point. He could feel his cheeks getting warm, a lump was also growing in the back of his throat. He was sobbing before he had a chance to try and stop himself. She walked over and held him. She held on tight, unable to control her instinct to protect her son. 

Later, he was back up in his room. His face was still swollen from crying, but he knew that he needed to purge it all. He also blamed being somewhat hungover on his emotional outburst. He told his mom everything about Blue. He told her more than he had ever even considered telling Leah. He felt a wave of relief after getting it all out. He had told her not only the basic details, but also how he felt about Blue. This included the love, frustration, impatience, and most importantly, the longing. She listened to him, never breaking out of full concentration on her son. The only bit of advice she had for him was honesty. She suggested he write to Blue and explain everything. If he felt like he was saying too much, he should say more. She was afraid that he wasn’t conveying as much in his emails and he thought.


	8. Chapter 8

The email. Simon set himself up in his room. A full glass of water and a full glass of milk. Plenty of Oreos, a sandwich, and a handful of mini snickers that he had grabbed from the leftover Halloween candy. He had lost his appetite during his session with his mom, but all the crying had left him exhausted and starving. He decided he would take his moms advice. He made himself as cozy and comfortable as possible. Pulled up his email account and got started. Blue had written him earlier that day. A very casual email, polite, and barely inquisitive. Blue was behind in his English class, so his weekend would be spent reading and writing essays. Still no hint of coming forward. Simon hits reply. 

Blue,  
I’m sorry to hear that you’ll be spending your day on homework. I have some to get done, as well. But that’s what Sundays are for. Saturdays are for crying with your mom. The weight of the last couple months came crashing down on me today. 

I blame the beer pong. 

I’m not sure where to start, so I hope this makes sense. First, I want to thank you. Your tumblr post inspired me. I haven’t felt this comfortable in my own skin in a very long time. I even came out to the cutest soccer player from school last night. (Though, I’ll be the first to admit, alcohol is responsible for that one.) It was nice, though. He didn’t look at me any different and even admitted that he already knew. I guess I haven’t been as secretive as I thought, or there’s a leak. :)

Second, I really like you. I have since the very beginning of this whole email situation. Once you mentioned that you have liked me in real life since before the emails, I got frustrated and confused. Maybe even betrayed. I had been ok with you remaining in my computer, but that changed with your confession. There’s a real person out there that likes me, but I don’t get to find out. It feels unfair. I’ve never wanted to pressure you, but I have wanted to kiss you and hold your hand. Do you know how weird it is to imagine those things without a face to put with it all??

Third, and lastly, I feel confident that I already know who you are. I want you to know that if my hypothesis is correct, I think you’re adorable. I already thought you were thoughtful and intelligent. My imagined kissing and handholding looks nice with the guy Ive guessed you to be. 

I don’t expect you to come out for me. But I’m lying if I deny that I want you to come out to me, if only me. I don’t want to push you away, but the distance between us feels like it’s growing, I want you to come back in closer again. If that’s only through emails, I’ll take it. 

Love,  
Simon 

Simon sends the letter, he’s says too much, but that’s the advice he’d been given. After he finished eating his sandwich and dunking each Oreo into milk before devouring it, he moves and settles on the edge of his bed. Thinks about scanning Netflix until he remembers to listen to his voicemail. 

“Hey, Simon, it’s Bram. Leah gave me your number. I’m busy with homework today, but I was thinking maybe we could hangout tomorrow? Hope you’re not too hungover today, Gatorade helps!” 

What. His chest tightens. It’s getting harder to breathe. He lost count of how many times he listened to the message. The first thing he did was save the number as ‘Cute Bram.’ He almost calls, instead he puts the phone down beside him on the bed and falls back. This wasn’t chess, so he wasn’t sure why he was putting so much thought into his next move. He gets up and moves back to his computer and starts another email to Blue. 

Tomorrow works for me. I’ll be taking my homework over to WaHo at 2. 

*message sent* Simon crawls into bed. Pulls up Netflix and puts on some series that Leah had recommended. He knows he will have to watch it again at another, less distracted, time. Right now he just needs the noise, he doesn’t want to think too much about tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Easy. This is my first time.


End file.
